Chipset off the old block

New Intel silicon pushes imaginary performance envelope, reports Gemima Jobless

Hot on the heels of its P35, Intel is set to deliver a brand new chipset packed with yet more future-facing features. The forthcoming P45, codenamed ‘Duckpond’, will replace the current P35 aka ‘Bearlake’ long before users have outgrown its capabilities.

‘We called it P45 because a lot of its features will be looking for a job after its release,’ explained Intel’s PR technologist Nigella Netburst. ‘It will contain quite a few redundant capabilities, such as support for bus speeds and memory types which won’t arrive until at least 2008.’ According to Intel, this will make the P45 so far ahead of current chipsets it’s actually behind them.

The P45 chipset will support the mysterious new 1337MHz Front Side Bus, primarily aimed at gamers, and DDR-WHO memory, which can run backwards as well as forwards in time. DDR-WHO is designed to achieve much greater financial margins with no noticeable benefit for performance. This should provide a smooth transition for the consumer, without an annoying leap in memory bandwidth which can cause customer disorientation.

The P45 chipset will be backwards compatible with EDO DRAM so motherboard manufacturers have something to fall back upon until you can actually buy DDR-WHO in 2009. However, P45 won’t support any processors Intel thinks are unfashionable. In fact, at launch no current Intel processors will be compatible with P45.

A P60 chipset is also expected at the end of the year. This special anniversary chipset will contain a summary of the year’s features, and will primarily be aimed at financial benchmarking. AMD is also currently working on its next Intel-oriented chipset, the UB40. It’s codenamed ‘Red Red Whine’, a tongue-in-cheek reference to the sound people make when they hear yet another AMD product has been delayed for a year after its original launch date.

Let’s get together!

Nvidia and ATi to collaborate on next graphics generation, reports Felicity Crossli

Who says computing is a cut-throat business? There’s a lot more love between competing companies than we often imagine. To prove it, Nvidia and ATi have announced that they will be coming together to create a new line of graphics chips. The joint venture is to be called NvidiATi, and resulted from a series of ‘double dates’ with their respective partners, Intel and AMD.

The first NvidiATi GPU to appear will be the GRRR666, which is expected to come to market as the NvidiATi RadioForce X98000XTXXXGTSS GTi. The new GPU will incorporate a 7D ALU Streamcessor Universally Shady ArchieTexture with 256 Streamcessors. These harness the power of Phase Space to confuse people into buying the product because they have no idea what the specifications mean.

The quad-core GPU will have a base clock of 2.666GHz. It will incorporate 1,666MB of GDDR7 memory with a 666-bit memory path running at 666MHz quad-pumped. The ALUs will be individually timed by Swiss watchmakers. A cut-down GRRR664 with 234 Streamcessors will also be available. Its core will run at 2.664GHz, with 1,664MB of memory clocked to 664MHz triple-pumped with a two-bit memory path, and the ALUs will be designed by Casio.

However, the GRRR666’s stunning performance potential is very much aimed at the future. The new GPU is primarily intended to accelerate Microsoft DirectX 11, the API everyone is expecting will have more features than DirectX 10. When asked about the benefits of DirectX 11 over the previous version, NvidiATi’s Adam Bania explained, ‘Previous graphics cards could only do DirectX 10, but this one goes to 11!’

Fruityphones

Canadian firm blows Raspberry at Apple, reports James Jobless

Hot on the tails of Apple’s announcement that it is entering the mobile phone business for real, little-known Canadian firm Raspberry Inc has announced that it will be going head to head with its own fruit-based telephony product. Branded the uPhone, the new handset is powered by Innocent Smoothies, making it easy to top up at the nearest café or delicatessen.

‘Apple’s iPhone, like so many of its products, promotes a very selfish image’, Raspberry Inc’s chief agricultural office Trevor Pomegranite told us. ‘It's all "i, i, i". Our uPhone is much more altruistic, and is specifically designed with being stolen in mind.’ Aside from relying on fruit juice for power, the uPhone is equipped with an extra-loud speaker and low-sensitivity microphone. This ensures everyone can hear your conversations and know you have the latest mobile phone technology.

‘The uPhone is all about sharing,’ Pomegranite explained. ‘Sharing your conversations on public transport, sharing your music with passers by, and sharing the unit itself with thieves because it’s going to cost $4,000 and will be regularly stolen.’ In a pithy interview, Pomegranite argued that these features would allow the uPhone to ‘pulp the competition’. The uPhone will have video playback abilities, and will come pre-loaded with Woody Allen’s Bananas and John Ford’s Grapes of Wrath.

‘Apple’s fruit salad days are over’, Pomegranite enthused. ‘We’re going to “berry” them!’

Dell laptop destroys city

The saga of incandescent notebook batteries has taken a new sinister turn, reports Esmeralda Lithium-Ion

The Japanese city of Tokyo lay in ruins this morning, after yet another case of spontaneous Dell battery combustion. According to city resident Nobi Kawasaki, 97, the conflagration began when his Dell Inspiron XPS Gen2 started overheating as he searched for images of schoolgirls in sailor suits on the Internet.

‘I thought it was just my lap making the heat,’ explained Kurosawa ‘But it turned out it was my laptop!’ The conflagration set off a chain reaction in a nearby Sony facility, where thousands more incendiary power sources ignited. This released a stampede of frightened AIBOs, which are now raging uncontrollably across the country. Japanese military were being assisted by crime-fighting dinosaur Godzilla in the apprehension of the robotic swarm, which has already claimed thousands more lives than the original explosion.

Dell spokesperson Arthur Longitude told us that only batteries with ‘666’ in their serial number and a small picture of Michael Dell’s arse were likely to cause other world cities to be destroyed. ‘But if your notebook’s battery exhibits these signs, turn it off now and run for your life, or you could die,’ Longitude recommends.

The Tokyo news came as Dell was facing legal action from users who have found its 30in TFTs too wide for everyday use, causing their eyes to point permanently in opposite directions. So far, however, reports that Dell optical mice have been coming to life and mauling their owners have not been confirmed.

Oh my Quad!

New multi-processor configurations take the CPU wars up the dirt track, reports Jeremiah Clarkson

Just when you thought dual-core processors were the latest in CPU power, Intel and AMD are pushing the boundaries yet again. No sooner has AMD announced its 4X4 dual-socket configuration for the enthusiast market, when Intel has countered with its own competitor. Called QuadBike, the new configuration uses two carbon fibre-based mobile processors rather than the ClockCycle desktop architecture.

Instead of placing the dual-core processors side by side, however, Intel’s new QuadBike Technology seats the second ‘pillion’ CPU in a lower location. This allows it to avoid taking the Front Side Bus route. Instead, the secondary processor can find a quicker path to main memory using more direct country PCI Express lanes. ‘We also have a workstation version codenamed WoodlandWalk on our roadmap – or “offroadmap”, if you will,’ Intel’s new spokesman Colin McRae explained.

But AMD’s forthcoming 4X4 platform is already facing the wrath of the anti-SUP (sports utility processor) lobby, even before it has been launched. ‘Using these gas-guzzling multi-core configurations for Folding is bad for the urban environment,’ explained Green activist Chelsea Tractor.

Not to be left out, VIA has also revealed its own take on the idea. Officially codenamed Double-Decker, but dubbed the ‘C3 Hoppa’ by fans, VIA’s version stacks up to 18 processors on top of each other. ‘It’s the only way we can even approach Intel or AMD’s performance,’ the company explained in yet another vapourware press release.

Intel’s QuadBike, AMD’s 4X4 and VIA’s Double-Decker will be available exclusively online through AutoTrader.com.

AMD buys Rolf Harris

Shock new acquisition could give AMD the edge back against Intel, reports Rupert Hyper-Transport

Before the dust had even settled on the ATi acquisition, AMD is at it again. This time, in a deal said to be worth £7.50 and 200 million AMD shares (about £4.50 in total since the release of Intel’s Core 2), AMD is purchasing Australian wobbleboard supremo Rolf Harris.

‘Rolf will bring a fresh new outlook to the company,’ explained AMD’s Gemima Jobshare. ‘His quick-sketching ability will help us get the new K8L design off the drawing board, hopefully before Intel steals back all our customers!’ AMD also hopes that in the interim Harris’s lovable brand of antipodean humour will help deflect attention away from the company’s actual products.

The Harris acquisition by AMD complements the ATi deal perfectly. All three have the same laid-back corporate culture, but bring different strengths to the table. ‘AMD needed help in handling delayed product launches, and ATi is the clear market leader in this respect,’ explained Jobshare. ‘But Rolf’s work on Animal Hospital will also be invaluable as Intel’s Core Microarchitecture makes a monkey of us over the next year.’

At the time of writing, Intel was considering a hostile bid for Harris, and is also rumoured to be in talks with Basil Brush. If that deal becomes a reality, AMD will find it increasingly tough to compete.

GeForce 999s do it by numbers

Nvidia’s new range of ‘GeForce 999s’ lead the way for graphics card naming strategies, reports Slim Shadermodel

Nvidia has finally announced what could be the death knell for ATi’s Radeon X1000 series. The ‘GeForce 999’ family marks a sea change in Nvidia’s strategy, with a focus on high-performance model names rather than confusing new technology or pointless benchmark speed bumps.

The Nvidia GeForce 7999 SRi will be the flagship. This will be virtually identical to the current 7800GTX 512 card, except with smaller, more conveniently arranged chips. But there will also be a GeForce 7999 GTi, a 7999 FSi, plus the special-edition 7999 XR3i, all of which have individually crafted logos. An RS version will only be available with a blue PCB, whilst the PCB version will be exactly what the name suggests – just the PCB with no chips attached, for card modding enthusiasts. The 7999 PMS will have an innovative ‘emotional instability mode’, also known as ’99 flake’.

Along with the flagship 7999 will be 7499 GTO, VSO, BMA and TFI Friday models aimed more at the mainstream user. The TFI Friday version is specifically designed to reduce 3D performance during weekday office hours, storing it up for extra power on Friday nights and at weekends. The low-end 32MB GeForce 7199, however, will only come in one flavour – the GeForce 7199 PITA with TurboCache. In another move designed to make the cards more attractive to consumers, the model numbers will also represent the base price in US dollars for the cards in question, which will be exactly the same in pounds in the UK.

‘It’s not about the technology or the performance,’ Nvidia’s Admonesta Smote told us. ‘We may not have the fastest cards on the market anymore, but our broad range means that consumers can have a card with exactly the model name and number which appeals to them.’

3DMark06 Benchmarks

Nvidia GeForce 7800GTX 512 – 4542
Nvidia GeForce 7999 SRi - 4542
Nvidia GeForce 7999 GTi - 4542
Nvidia GeForce 7999 FSi - 4542
Nvidia GeForce 7999 XR3i - 4542
Nvidia GeForce 7999 RS - 4542

Serves you right, AMD

New Intel processor could have a sporting chance against AMD’s finest, reports Veronica Beccabunga

Tired of always losing to AMD, Intel has taken the radical step of consulting tennis star Tim Henman on how to improve its winning streak. The result is McEnroe, a processor which diverges significantly from the current NetBurst architecture. The CPU is already posting benchmarks so far ahead of AMD’s, pundits are saying it could be game, set and match.

Part of the Wimbledon platform, the McEnroe is a radical departure. Instead of Intel’s recent desktop strategy of flogging a dead horse, the McEnroe is based on Nearly New Technology. This combines Pipeline Extension Technology with the Pentium Pro core using the US Open architecture. The latter allows Intel to add or remove pipeline stages according to market pressure.

These aren’t the McEnroe’s only enhancements. Williams Sisters Deuce-Core Technology shares the Level 2 cache as required, whilst BusPass Technology intercepts calls to main memory. The McEnroe will also be the first processor to use the RetroBus, which cycles through classic Intel front side buses of the past until the on-board memory controller is ready.

But AMD is hotly contesting Intel’s test results. ‘Intel cannot be serious! That benchmark was on the line!’ complained AMD’s processing executive Thumbelina Nexgen. AMD will be releasing its own competing range of CPUs, running on its brand new Socket ME2. This flexible approach allows AMD to copy Intel’s memory support dynamically, although it takes about a year to switch over.

The McEnroe is expected to ship in Q1 2007, and will be marketed under the slogan Yesterday’s Technology Tomorrow.

Why sell two graphics cards when you can sell four?

Moldovan Ripov Electronics takes on Nvidia with quad-graphics monster, reports Ben Chmark

If two heads are better than one, four should be doubly so, maybe even triply. This couldn’t be more true than in the world of super-fast 3D graphics acceleration. If you can’t beat the competition with two GPUs, stick a couple more on – you’re sure to win then. After all, it worked for 3dfx and 3Dlabs.

Little-known Moldovan GPU maker Ripov Electronics has taken this philosophy to heart. The company’s latest Quartet graphics system shoehorns four second-rate GPUs together, in the hope of boosting 3D power to a half-decent level.

‘We took inspiration from Nvidia’s amazing Quad SLI,’ explained Ripov’s founder Andreas Cashin. ‘What we found most inspiring was just how many Quad SLI systems have been sold, considering how much more you pay for little or no extra performance. It’s an outstanding feat of modern technology, and we wanted to emulate that.’

As with Quad SLI, the Quartet’s Open Games Limiter matches equivalent frame rates with conventional dual-graphics SLI or CrossFire, ensuring the Quartet won’t outperform either. A Stability Co-Processor carefully places random crashes at key moments during gameplay for greatest dramatic impact – even with existing titles which don’t have specific quad-GPU support. The Financial Account Reduction Transport connects to your bank and extracts as much money as possible on first bootup. And Quartet is just the beginning. Ripov’s Chorus Architecture allows up to 13 adapters to be run in parallel, for massively increased profits whilst maintaining the same level of performance.

Ripov’s Quartet will be exclusively available from Dell, and most other PC vendors. Prices will vary depending on how gullible the salesperson thinks you are.

Bill goes soft

New Microsoft charitable programme aims to bring Windows to those who can’t afford a legitimate copy, reports Sloncek Antipyran

When Bill Gates announced he was relinquishing the Microsoft reins to focus on charity, the world looked on aghast. But in another shock announcement, Gates has pledged to help the poor and unfortunate who find themselves accidentally running a pirate version of Windows.

‘Many people have installed illegal copies of Windows they downloaded from peer-to-peer networks, through no fault of their own,’ Gates told Custom PC. To help these wretched folks, Gates has initiated the Windows Genuine Disadvantage programme. To qualify, you must be assessed as truly needing a legal copy of Windows. This process involves completing the Windows Qualification Management wizard, which Automatic Updates will already have placed on your hard disk whether you like it or not. You will need to prove that your house is either made of paper or beans, that you have no shoes, and a psychiatrist must certify that your use of pirate software is due to genetic insanity.

You will also be expected to list the source of your illicit Microsoft software, and anyone else you think is a bit shifty. After pledging lifetime allegiance to Microsoft, plus the unfaltering support of the next four generations of your family, your body will be injected with a Linux repellent. Then you will receive WHQL certification from the Windows Hardship Qualification Labs, and a new Windows serial number will arrive via the police fraud squad within the next 24 hours.

Intel takes a leap outside

New Intel marketing campaign aims to recapture underdog image, reports Anna Vanderpool

The New Year has seen a flurry of marketing activity from Intel. Famous so long for its Intel Inside and Pentium brands, the company has cast its old logos into the annals of history in favour of a raft of new trademarks. But the changes are far from over. From February, Intel has yet more trademark alterations planned.

‘Our brands will be cycling every few months as part of our new Intel Outsider marketing strategy,’ explained Toby Companyline, Intel’s logo dictatorship manager. ‘We’ve realised for a couple of years now that having well-known brands actually has too positive an effect on our sales, which is really bad for our image.’

Intel’s over-arching slogan will therefore change in February from Intel Leap Ahead to Intel Inch Forward and then Intel Reach Around, primarily because 2007 isn’t actually a leap year. The Pentium 4 will become the Intel Core Slomo. Later in 2007, all individual processor lines will be unified under the brand Intel Somewhere Inside, with Home Alone single-core and Two’s Company dual-core flavours. The Centrino will be upgraded to Dollarino, and then Buckarino. Viiv will be replaced by Jiiv, Striiv, and then Iwillsurviiv. The Celeron will become the Chiiv.

In 2008, Intel intends to entirely rebrand itself Mr Chippy, at which time all its processors will adopt fried fish-related nomenclature, such as Cod and Haddock. The premium seafood Salmon will represent dual-core ranges, with the diminutive Sardine for mobile parts. All processor models will use the number 7 because ‘it’s lucky’.

‘With regular brand changes, we’ll stay way ahead of the competition,’ explained Companyline. ‘They’ll never be able to keep up with our marketing innovation.’

Amstrad enters graphics card business

New MegaBrass™ GPU could be ‘7800GTX killer’, reports Alain Sucre

Stocks in both ATi and Nvidia fell dramatically today at the announcement that British company Amstrad was entering the graphics card business. Developed secretly at Tottenham Hotspur football club, the new Amstrad MegaBrass™ GPU takes an unusual approach. With just one pixel pipeline and half a vertex shader, the MegaBrass™ is hardly state of the art for graphics processors. But it’s designed to run at clock speeds in excess of 15GHz, which should make up the difference.

‘This is going to be even bigger than the e-m@iler™’, Amstrad head honcho Alan Sugar told us. ‘The MegaBrass™ will be the first GPU to accelerate S&M 4.0 natively. It will also support HDR, sRGB, S3TC, HDTV, RNIB, BSE and CJD. With one billion-bit floating point precision across the entire rendering pipeline, image quality will be unbeatable.’ The high visual quality is being marketed under the branding MegaBrasso ImagePolish™.

The MegaBrass™ will be available in two versions – the DSS22 and DSS28.1. A specially pre-overclocked Brown Sample version of the latter is also expected. Best of all, a multi-GPU architecture will allow up to 11 cards to be run in parallel. This looks like the most flexible implementation yet, with the user able to run cards in parallel across PCI Express, AGP, PCI and even ISA if available, although no ANR version has yet been announced.

‘What with S3 launching its ChromeS20 series and now Amstrad entering the fray, times are looking bleak for the incumbents’, ATi’s Public Relations Enforcer Andrew Banana told us. Nvidia’s Public Relations Dandy Adrian Stoat concurred: ‘We’re all doomed. The party’s over.’

Benchmarks – FEAR, 1,600 x 1,200 4x 8x, soft shadows

Nvidia GeForce 7800GTX – 1fps
ATi Radeon X1800XT – 1.2fps
Amstrad MegaBrass™ Brown Sample – 4fps
11 x MegaBrassTR Brown Sample – 458fps

All tests run on an Amstrad PCW8256; 3.4MHz Z80, 256KB of RAM