Bill goes soft

New Microsoft charitable programme aims to bring Windows to those who can’t afford a legitimate copy, reports Sloncek Antipyran

When Bill Gates announced he was relinquishing the Microsoft reins to focus on charity, the world looked on aghast. But in another shock announcement, Gates has pledged to help the poor and unfortunate who find themselves accidentally running a pirate version of Windows.

‘Many people have installed illegal copies of Windows they downloaded from peer-to-peer networks, through no fault of their own,’ Gates told Custom PC. To help these wretched folks, Gates has initiated the Windows Genuine Disadvantage programme. To qualify, you must be assessed as truly needing a legal copy of Windows. This process involves completing the Windows Qualification Management wizard, which Automatic Updates will already have placed on your hard disk whether you like it or not. You will need to prove that your house is either made of paper or beans, that you have no shoes, and a psychiatrist must certify that your use of pirate software is due to genetic insanity.

You will also be expected to list the source of your illicit Microsoft software, and anyone else you think is a bit shifty. After pledging lifetime allegiance to Microsoft, plus the unfaltering support of the next four generations of your family, your body will be injected with a Linux repellent. Then you will receive WHQL certification from the Windows Hardship Qualification Labs, and a new Windows serial number will arrive via the police fraud squad within the next 24 hours.