Intel spilled my pint

AMD files third lawsuit against Intel, reports Stanislav Blingstein

The computing world was reeling today after AMD announced yet another lawsuit against Intel. The third suit, filed in Latvia, is the most damning yet. In a 939-page document, written in an entertaining style by chat-show host Terry Wogan, AMD alleges numerous new unfair business practices. Most incendiary amongst these is the charge that Intel is getting unfair technological help from an alien master race, the Moorons. ‘Remember those guys in spacesuits in the Pentium 4 advertisements? They’re all Moorons,’ AMD’s chief stylist Mother Teresa Swimmer told us.

AMD alleges Intel has been getting an unfair business advantage from a partnership with extraterrestrials

AMD also alleges that Intel processors attract purchasers of new computers using ‘smoking SIMD extensions’ and a ‘20-stage crack pipeline’. ‘The high frequencies set up interference in Alpha brainwaves, causing customers of Dixons and other high-street shops to draw closer to sources of heat such as Prescott-core CPUs’, an AMD technical marketing specialist told us.

The lawsuit also contains a legion of lesser accusations: ‘High-ranking Intel executives regularly steal from our portions of chips in MacDonalds,’ said AMD’s Productive European Manager David Never-it. ‘I’ve even had my pint jogged down the pub and had aspersions cast on its manliness. And once or twice a week, I hear a knock on the door, and when I open it there’s nobody there. I just see mysterious blue-painted individuals running away down the street,’ he lamented.

The AMD case is expected to be presented to the Latvian Superb Court for trial by a trio of lamas two weeks on Tuesday.