Headshot!

New gaming intelligence coprocessor promises smarter opponents, reports Django Stalin

Ever found yourself mocking the limited strategy of a gaming bot? Or laughing out loud when your computer opponent’s RTS army gets stuck behind a rock as you pick them off from a comfortable distance? Well, those days could be over with the new WendelBrain Gaming Intelligence processor from Israel’s Agaya Perspective International.

Agaya is breeding its own Fatal1ty strain of chimpanzees for the WendelBrain

‘We created the WendelBrain by culling cells from network gaming legend Jonathan Wendel’s neocortex and crossing them with a chimpanzee,’ Agaya’s Arthur Netenyahoo told us. ‘Most of the intelligence comes from the chimpanzee, but it means we can use Fatal1ty branding on the box!’

The WendelBrain incorporates a complex dual-core BioDSP chip architecture, which must be kept at a constant 37C via a reverse phase-change warming system, although a nearby Pentium 4 can perform this task as well. It also requires regular infusions of liquefied Pizza Hut Thin ‘N Crispy and Red Bull. ‘You need to keep the WendelBrain above minimum nutritional levels for optimal strategic processing,’ Netenyahoo told us. ‘It can forget to feed itself during particularly intensive gaming sessions, so you need to give it a constant supply of convenient junk food and caffeinated beverages.’ The WendelBrain is so focused on gaming that it has difficulty forming relationships with other components in a PC. Because of this, it currently has a bug where it will attempt to load a game whenever your PC is booted. Agaya is planning to combat this problem using a parental control system.

Agaya’s first WendelBrain, the Fatal1ty Headshot GXP, will be available at an RRP of £385 from http://www.overclockers.co.uk/ and most local pet shops.