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More 8800 GTS cards on the way

2007-12-05T17:01:00.001Z

Graphics giants go head to head on naming strategies, reports Fellacia Smoothly

In an industry where regular changes in branding are the norm, it’s great to see a company making a stand. The passing of legendary product names is always tinged with sadness, so Nvidia has decided enough is enough. From now and forever more, the company’s flagship graphics will be called the GeForce 8800GTS.

‘Our strategy of releasing entirely different products with the same name has already met with considerable industry approval’, explained Nvidia’s Madam Coat at the launch of the second version of GeForce 8800GTS in November. ‘It reassures the buying public that the product they purchase now will never become obsolete, except in its underlying technology.’

Nvidia plans to release a new product every day for the next year, although many will just re-establish popular brands of the past, such as the forthcoming GeForce 7800GTX and GeForce 4 Ti, which are the same as the 8800GTS. Mainstream and budget models will also receive classic model names of bygone eras, with a cut-down version of G92 imminent, to be called the 6600GT, and another identical card named the Riva TNT 2 on the roadmap.

But Nvidia’s main competitor, ATI, will be taking a radically different strategy. It plans to add 1000 to every range it launches, irregardless of whether it’s a new product line or not. The latest Radeon HD 3000 will be followed next month with the Radeon HD 4000 series, also using the same RV670 GPU. ATI intends to release products based on RV670 until 2037, by which time they will be called the Radeon HD 363,000 series.

Christmas game wars

2007-12-05T16:56:00.000Z

Latvian blockbusters could outsell Halo 3, reports Benjamin Meister-Chef

Just when it looked like Halo 3 was the ultimate game of 2007, its ascendancy could already be under threat. A slew of new titles from Latvian developer Spongy Studios will be arriving just in time to take Christmas by storm.

Spongy’s first volley will be Puritan Territory: Quaker Wars, another title using the Dumb 3 engine. This innovative Enormously Multiplayer Online Role-Playing First-Person Real-Time Strategy Shooter (EMORPFPRTSS) gives you the choice of two teams. The Global Persecution Force gets powerful guns but must stay within the Old World. Alternatively, you can join one of the five classes of Puritan, none of which are allowed to use weapons, but have the ability to run away to the New World.

Based on the HP Sauce engine, TIM Fortress 2 is also shaping up to be a classic. You must defend yourself against the evil Netburst aliens, . It’s a challenging game, and will focus on personalised single-player action (PSPA) rather than online play.

‘There’s no “I” in “Team”, but there is in “TIM”’, explained Spongy’s Rodrigo Tarmac.

HellCatflap Ibiza is set in a post-apocalyptic Spanish holiday resort, which has been invaded by drunken English tourists. In this role-playing game with first-person shooter elements (RPGWFPSE), you play a Spanish shopkeeper trying to defend the tranquillity of the island from marauding British demons. The action is set to a heady dance remix by Pete Tong, and comes with a free six-pack of lager.

Spongy has even created a special Yuletide episode of its current money-spinner Crisis, with a story based on AMD’s recent product launches. With so many titles on the market, it’s sure to be ‘game on’ for Spongy Studios this Christmas!

AMD finds brown love

2007-10-08T15:07:00.000+01:00

Special packaging promises return to success for AMD, reports Regina Resignation

Despite originally claiming its Black Edition was a one-off, AMD looks set to be releasing a whole slew of special versions of its processors. First off the blocks will be the mysterious Brown Edition. Although details are still scarce, shocking reports have been emerging that this could be an early example of AMD’s much-vaunted Jazz Fusion technology.

According to industry rumour site Crudzaroony.com, the new Brown Edition could be the first product to blend technology from both AMD and ATi. AMD’s forthcoming Benedorm CPU core would be mixed together with ATi’s next generation Costa Del Sol graphics, for unbeatable performance in every area. ‘Brown colour is dead giveaway!’ claimed Crudzaroony’s Frodo Abramovich. ‘Original Jazz Fusion presentation had brown background!’

However, AMD has officially denied the rumour, describing it as ‘complete arse’.

‘We just liked the colour. AMD is green and ATI is red – mix them together and you get brown! So it shows how well mixed AMD and ATI are now,’ explained AMD’s PR colourist Julia Rembrandt. ‘Brown is the new black, and it also commemorates the departure of Dave Orton and Henri Richard, to whom the Brown Edition is dedicated. Oh, and there’s Gordon Brown as well. People seem to like him, and they are more likely to buy our processors in a nice brown box.’

If the Brown Edition is as successful as the Black Edition is shaping up to be, AMD is planning a Pink Edition, and a Paisley Edition could well be on the roadmap as well. Intel is rumoured to be considering tartan packaging for its next Core 2 Extreme.

Leonard to the rescue

2007-09-03T22:31:00.000+01:00

AMD’s critics are set to be answered in 2008, when wholesome new platform promises to hand back performance advantage, reports Daisy Inyourdreams

It looks like 2008 could be the year AMD once more puts up a fight against its competitors, Intel and Nvidia. June 2008 will see the launch of AMD’s Leonard platform, successor to Insect, which will be arriving shortly. Insect will soon bring us AMD’s first Native American Quad-Core processor, Big Chief X4, and LaCrosseFire multi-GPU. AMD hopes LaCrossFire will ‘hit Nvidia with a big stick’, but analysts predict it won’t achieve its goal.

Fortunately for AMD, everything could change when Leonard is introduced. Leonard incorporates AMD’s High performance Extension for LaCrossFire PCI express! (HELP!) technology. This allows performance enthusiasts to gang together as many ATi graphics cards as it takes to beat one graphics card from Nvidia. To house the expected number of graphics cards, new larger chassis designs are in the pipeline from Cooler Master and Lian-Li. Power supply manufacturer Tagan is allegedly building small, portable nuclear power stations to cope with the megawatt requirements of up to 18 Radeon cards in a single case.

The Leonard platform will also herald in a host of supplementary new technologies, including HopeFul Transport 3.1, AMD Cool’n’Slow technology 7, and the TVAM2++ Socket. The latter will be the platform for AMD’s first all-natural quad-core processor built with entirely organic materials, including wood and chickpeas. AMD had an engineering sample of Leonard on show at a recent analyst conference, but it was eaten by a goat before any benchmarks could be published.

Bill Oddie falls foul of Censor

2007-08-03T22:26:00.000+01:00

Another new game title falls foul of the UK censor, reports Felicia Carma-Geddon

It’s turning out to be a bad year for the video gaming industry. No sooner has Manhunt 2 been denied a UK release after failing to receive a BBFC rating, when Bill Oddie’s Bughunt 7 looks set to face a similar fate. Developed by TV Personality Games, Bughunt 7 puts the player in the role of a rare beetle called Ben, who is trying to avoid capture after being released into the wild from the collection of a crazed entomologist.

During the game, Ben must escape the clutches of a series of bloodthirsty nature programme presenters, including Bill Oddie, David Bellamy and Steve Irwin, before facing the big boss, David Attenborough and his team of jungle gorillas. In its report, the BBFC criticised Bughunt 7’s cruel and sadistic portrayal of flies having their wings pulled off and ants being burned with giant magnifying glasses.

‘But in reality we just don’t like creepy-crawlies’, explained the BBFC’s Pauline Killjoy. ‘Yuck, nasty little creatures.’

Bernard Manning’s posthumous game release, Jokehunt, where the player faces a gruelling quest for humour whilst being assailed by vicious mothers in law, also looks set to meet the censor’s axe, later in 2007.

Little and Large criticise Windows Vista

2007-06-03T21:17:00.000+01:00

Redmond reels as TV comedy acts express their opposition to Microsoft Windows Vista, reports Cyril Mead

Every new Microsoft launch has its detractors. But Windows Vista appears to be incurring the particular wrath of the British comedy fraternity. Hot on the heals of Mac-loving Mitchell and Webb’s stinging, bitter attacks, more big names have come out in disfavour of Windows. Following two years of development at Butlins holiday camps, former BBC Saturday night favourites Syd Little and Eddie Large have rekindled their legendary double act to create a lightly entertaining operating system. Codenamed Supersonic, it’s intended to compete directly with Windows Vista.

‘Supersonic is all about variety’, explained Little. ‘We plan to match Microsoft’s confusing array of Vista versions with a broad selection of comedy sketches and musical dance numbers for all the family.’ In new TV ads for the operating system, Eddie Large pretends to be a big fat bloated PC, whilst Syd Little dons thick Aero glasses. However, Supersonic has key features in common with Vista. Its Live from the Palladium DRM system is thought to have been included in order to protect Little and Large’s comedy secrets. However, the innovative Win-FFS! file system will not make it into the initial release.

Microsoft is currently scouring vintage episodes of Morecombe and Wise for jokes as good as Windows Vista’s sound card support, and has enlisted pint-sized Ronnie Corbett as a premium Desktop Gadget. Former Little and Large competitors Cannon and Ball are also reportedly developing their own Vista competitor based on Linux, due for release as a Christmas gala special in 2008.

AMD integrates chimp

2007-05-03T21:15:00.000+01:00

Chipmaker hopes to ape Intel’s success with new processing core, reports P G Tips

These days, processor manufacturers really need to think ahead. First AMD outlined its future plans to integrate the GPU onto the processor die. But in what is seen as the most radical move yet, the company is planning to use the space savings of its new 65nm production process to integrate a simulated on-die primate. Current designs specify a chimpanzee, but the modular approach of the Direct Connect architecture will also allow an orang-utan or tribe of gibbons should the market require them.

‘Over the last few months, we have grown tired of Intel making a monkey out of us,’ explained AMD’s new PR representative, David Attenborough. ‘We realised some serious gorilla tactics would be needed to fight back.’ The apes will help accelerate Windows Vista by moving pixels around using their supple, dextrous hands.

First, a single chimpanzee will be integrated alongside the processing cores. But AMD is already hinting at a ‘go native’ quad-chimpanzee design with individual primates communicating via a fast Hominid Transport bus. This contrasts with the Intel strategy of forcing macaques to work as independent pairs.

Each on-die chimpanzee will incorporate multiple 128-bit Streaming Simian Extension (SSE) registers. The new core will also be capable of Habitat Virtualisation, in case AMD is threatened with extinction. However, by 2020 AMD hopes that its on-die chimpanzees will have evolved via a process of natural selection into CPUs with fully integrated homo sapiens. This will give AMD a distinct technological lead over Intel’s primarily lemur-based architecture.

Sinclair to make PCs

2007-04-03T21:13:00.000+01:00

Sinclair, the UK’s favourite computer maker, is making a valiant return, reports Belinda Osborne

The famous console brands of the 1980s are springing back to life. No sooner had Commodore re-emerged as a maker of enthusiast gaming PCs, when Atari announced a new Meerkat range inspired by the seminal Jaguar console. Most exciting for us here in the UK, however, is the return of Sinclair. Trading on its continuing brand heritage, the company hopes to cash in on its legendary reputation for gaming.

‘The ZX81 and ZX Spectrum were the Alienwares and Vadims of their day,’ Sinclair’s executive president Oxford Sovereign told us. Befitting their heritage, the PCs come in kit form, and use Digital Compact Cassette to load software. The top specification model will be called the Sinclair C4. ‘With AMD’s groundbreaking Quad FX platform and ATi Radeon X1950XTX CrossFire inside, it’s sure to pack explosive performance!’ Sovereign told us. ‘And it echoes the legendary C5 electric car, renowned for its speed!’ The new PCs will also be available with specially branded ReadyBoost memory upgrade modules, designed to mimic ZX81 16K add-on packs.

Like Commodore, Sinclair is targeting retail outlets, and the PCs will be available from Argos and select branches of Woolworths. Sir Clive Sinclair told us, ‘It’s a bit of a gamble, but as viewers of my late-night poker sessions will know, I’m not afraid of losing my shirt!’

What the FX?

2007-03-03T21:09:00.000Z

The quad-core choice is widening still further, reports Jack Hammer

The drive to ‘do it on all fours’ gained even further pace today as little-known Polish processor company MAD announced its imminent quad-core plans. According to MAD, the company’s new Quid FX platform will shoehorn a quartet of 386SX chips onto a single motherboard, for a ‘huge performance boost’.

‘The 386SX may not be a particularly fast processor on its own by today’s standards,’ explained MAD’s Technical Director Captain Hook. ‘But put four of them together and they’re four times not particularly fast – which is faster!’

The Quid FX platform uses dual-independent 16-bit ISA buses to communicate between each processor, capable of a whopping 8Mbytes/sec in both directions. These will be special Incoherent ISA connections, which stop each 386SX processor from being able to understand what the others are doing, so they don’t get sidetracked.

According to MAD, the platform will come into its own when running multiple copies of Reversi at the same time, or Reversi and Minesweeper simultaneously. MAD also expects FreeCell to execute considerably faster on Quid FX than a single 386, and it may even be possible to play very loud audio clips alongside the game. MAD is calling this ‘megaphone tasking’.

MAD told us Quid FX stands for Quid Facit X? (Latin for ‘what the X are they doing?’). ‘It’s really a platform for the future’, Captain Hook explained. ‘By using four sockets we have much greater upgrade flexibility. When we move to native 486SX in 2007 we will really give Intel and AMD something to think about!’

AMD rebrand shock

2007-02-03T21:02:00.000Z

Athlon name makes way for racy new trademarks for the metrosexual generation, reports Penelope Nexgen

Shock waves were rippling across the computing world today as AMD announced a huge swathe of rebranding. The Athlon name we have come to know and love since the late 1990s will be no more. First to go will be the Athlon 64, although the Athlon X range will continue for a limited time as the Athlon XR3i. The brand is designed to be ‘affordable but a bit sporty – something even a hairdresser could own.’

However, the new native quad-core processor will be launched as the Femidom. The name is intended to continue the prophylactic theme begun with the Duron, and will be based on the Special K core previously codenamed Benidorm, as the K9 was considered to be barking up the wrong tree. At the same time, AMD itself will become PMT. Many in the industry had accused AMD of being ‘menopausal’, and the name change is designed to show that the company is still young and sexy. The ATi brand will simultaneously become L’ATi (pronounced latey-eye), in commemoration of the regular tardiness of new product releases, but with a romantic French image.

‘New brand names obviously make your products perform better,’ explained PMT’s temporary PR executive, Fenella Trojan. ‘Intel saw a huge speed increase when it moved from Pentium to Core, and we expect something similar by switching from Athlon to the new marque.’

The first Femidom will hit the market when PMT feels the Athlon brand has lost all the nuances of performance it had built up over the last decade. So industry pundits predict the launch is imminent.

Smell the fear

2007-01-03T21:00:00.000Z

Innovative new game kicks up a stink, reports Reginald Tarkovsky

PC gaming has been stagnant for years. Locked into stale genres defined a decade ago, the computer entertainment industry has been crying out for innovation. At last, it could be on its way in the shape of a new title from Chelmsford-based Chavmaster Studios. Blending RPG and real-time strategy with pinball, solitaire, and minesweeper, S.T.I.N.K.E.R.: Umbrage of Basildon brings a fresh direction to the first person shooter.

The story promises thrills aplenty. After an horrific accident at Big Brother winner Jade Goody’s perfume factory, the whole of Essex has been turned into a wasteland. You play a Stinker, using your genetically enhanced sense of smell to sniff out the aroma of intelligent life in the beleaguered Home County. It’s a tough challenge only the most adept gamer will rise to, and finishing the single-player levels is certainly no roadside picnic.

Through your forays into the Scone you will meet mysterious characters swathed in patterned clothing and shiny sports attire who attempt to pick a fight with you, as you search for the fabled Kingdom of Lakeside. ‘S.T.I.N.K.E.R. promises hours of freeform gameplay, with some truly novel touches,’ explained Chavmaster’s PR Director Katie Bling. ‘The dots between the letters are particularly original.’ However, S.T.I.N.K.E.R. has faced its own challenges. First announced in 1973 as the successor to PONG, the title has taken over 30 years to arrive. Nevertheless, it still has the sweet scent of success about it.

Chipset off the old block

2006-12-03T20:58:00.000Z

New Intel silicon pushes imaginary performance envelope, reports Gemima Jobless

Hot on the heels of its P35, Intel is set to deliver a brand new chipset packed with yet more future-facing features. The forthcoming P45, codenamed ‘Duckpond’, will replace the current P35 aka ‘Bearlake’ long before users have outgrown its capabilities.

‘We called it P45 because a lot of its features will be looking for a job after its release,’ explained Intel’s PR technologist Nigella Netburst. ‘It will contain quite a few redundant capabilities, such as support for bus speeds and memory types which won’t arrive until at least 2008.’ According to Intel, this will make the P45 so far ahead of current chipsets it’s actually behind them.

The P45 chipset will support the mysterious new 1337MHz Front Side Bus, primarily aimed at gamers, and DDR-WHO memory, which can run backwards as well as forwards in time. DDR-WHO is designed to achieve much greater financial margins with no noticeable benefit for performance. This should provide a smooth transition for the consumer, without an annoying leap in memory bandwidth which can cause customer disorientation.

The P45 chipset will be backwards compatible with EDO DRAM so motherboard manufacturers have something to fall back upon until you can actually buy DDR-WHO in 2009. However, P45 won’t support any processors Intel thinks are unfashionable. In fact, at launch no current Intel processors will be compatible with P45.

A P60 chipset is also expected at the end of the year. This special anniversary chipset will contain a summary of the year’s features, and will primarily be aimed at financial benchmarking. AMD is also currently working on its next Intel-oriented chipset, the UB40. It’s codenamed ‘Red Red Whine’, a tongue-in-cheek reference to the sound people make when they hear yet another AMD product has been delayed for a year after its original launch date.

Let’s get together!

2006-11-03T20:53:00.000Z

Nvidia and ATi to collaborate on next graphics generation, reports Felicity Crossli

Who says computing is a cut-throat business? There’s a lot more love between competing companies than we often imagine. To prove it, Nvidia and ATi have announced that they will be coming together to create a new line of graphics chips. The joint venture is to be called NvidiATi, and resulted from a series of ‘double dates’ with their respective partners, Intel and AMD.

The first NvidiATi GPU to appear will be the GRRR666, which is expected to come to market as the NvidiATi RadioForce X98000XTXXXGTSS GTi. The new GPU will incorporate a 7D ALU Streamcessor Universally Shady ArchieTexture with 256 Streamcessors. These harness the power of Phase Space to confuse people into buying the product because they have no idea what the specifications mean.

The quad-core GPU will have a base clock of 2.666GHz. It will incorporate 1,666MB of GDDR7 memory with a 666-bit memory path running at 666MHz quad-pumped. The ALUs will be individually timed by Swiss watchmakers. A cut-down GRRR664 with 234 Streamcessors will also be available. Its core will run at 2.664GHz, with 1,664MB of memory clocked to 664MHz triple-pumped with a two-bit memory path, and the ALUs will be designed by Casio.

However, the GRRR666’s stunning performance potential is very much aimed at the future. The new GPU is primarily intended to accelerate Microsoft DirectX 11, the API everyone is expecting will have more features than DirectX 10. When asked about the benefits of DirectX 11 over the previous version, NvidiATi’s Adam Bania explained, ‘Previous graphics cards could only do DirectX 10, but this one goes to 11!’

Fruityphones

2006-10-03T20:43:00.000+01:00

Canadian firm blows Raspberry at Apple, reports James Jobless

Hot on the tails of Apple’s announcement that it is entering the mobile phone business for real, little-known Canadian firm Raspberry Inc has announced that it will be going head to head with its own fruit-based telephony product. Branded the uPhone, the new handset is powered by Innocent Smoothies, making it easy to top up at the nearest café or delicatessen.

‘Apple’s iPhone, like so many of its products, promotes a very selfish image’, Raspberry Inc’s chief agricultural office Trevor Pomegranite told us. ‘It's all "i, i, i". Our uPhone is much more altruistic, and is specifically designed with being stolen in mind.’ Aside from relying on fruit juice for power, the uPhone is equipped with an extra-loud speaker and low-sensitivity microphone. This ensures everyone can hear your conversations and know you have the latest mobile phone technology.

‘The uPhone is all about sharing,’ Pomegranite explained. ‘Sharing your conversations on public transport, sharing your music with passers by, and sharing the unit itself with thieves because it’s going to cost $4,000 and will be regularly stolen.’ In a pithy interview, Pomegranite argued that these features would allow the uPhone to ‘pulp the competition’. The uPhone will have video playback abilities, and will come pre-loaded with Woody Allen’s Bananas and John Ford’s Grapes of Wrath.

‘Apple’s fruit salad days are over’, Pomegranite enthused. ‘We’re going to “berry” them!’

Dell laptop destroys city

2006-09-03T20:41:00.000+01:00

The saga of incandescent notebook batteries has taken a new sinister turn, reports Esmeralda Lithium-Ion

The Japanese city of Tokyo lay in ruins this morning, after yet another case of spontaneous Dell battery combustion. According to city resident Nobi Kawasaki, 97, the conflagration began when his Dell Inspiron XPS Gen2 started overheating as he searched for images of schoolgirls in sailor suits on the Internet.

‘I thought it was just my lap making the heat,’ explained Kurosawa ‘But it turned out it was my laptop!’ The conflagration set off a chain reaction in a nearby Sony facility, where thousands more incendiary power sources ignited. This released a stampede of frightened AIBOs, which are now raging uncontrollably across the country. Japanese military were being assisted by crime-fighting dinosaur Godzilla in the apprehension of the robotic swarm, which has already claimed thousands more lives than the original explosion.

Dell spokesperson Arthur Longitude told us that only batteries with ‘666’ in their serial number and a small picture of Michael Dell’s arse were likely to cause other world cities to be destroyed. ‘But if your notebook’s battery exhibits these signs, turn it off now and run for your life, or you could die,’ Longitude recommends.

The Tokyo news came as Dell was facing legal action from users who have found its 30in TFTs too wide for everyday use, causing their eyes to point permanently in opposite directions. So far, however, reports that Dell optical mice have been coming to life and mauling their owners have not been confirmed.

Oh my Quad!

2006-08-03T20:37:00.000+01:00

New multi-processor configurations take the CPU wars up the dirt track, reports Jeremiah Clarkson

Just when you thought dual-core processors were the latest in CPU power, Intel and AMD are pushing the boundaries yet again. No sooner has AMD announced its 4X4 dual-socket configuration for the enthusiast market, when Intel has countered with its own competitor. Called QuadBike, the new configuration uses two carbon fibre-based mobile processors rather than the ClockCycle desktop architecture.

Instead of placing the dual-core processors side by side, however, Intel’s new QuadBike Technology seats the second ‘pillion’ CPU in a lower location. This allows it to avoid taking the Front Side Bus route. Instead, the secondary processor can find a quicker path to main memory using more direct country PCI Express lanes. ‘We also have a workstation version codenamed WoodlandWalk on our roadmap – or “offroadmap”, if you will,’ Intel’s new spokesman Colin McRae explained.

But AMD’s forthcoming 4X4 platform is already facing the wrath of the anti-SUP (sports utility processor) lobby, even before it has been launched. ‘Using these gas-guzzling multi-core configurations for Folding is bad for the urban environment,’ explained Green activist Chelsea Tractor.

Not to be left out, VIA has also revealed its own take on the idea. Officially codenamed Double-Decker, but dubbed the ‘C3 Hoppa’ by fans, VIA’s version stacks up to 18 processors on top of each other. ‘It’s the only way we can even approach Intel or AMD’s performance,’ the company explained in yet another vapourware press release.

Intel’s QuadBike, AMD’s 4X4 and VIA’s Double-Decker will be available exclusively online through AutoTrader.com.

AMD buys Rolf Harris

2006-07-03T19:38:00.000+01:00

Shock new acquisition could give AMD the edge back against Intel, reports Rupert Hyper-Transport

Before the dust had even settled on the ATi acquisition, AMD is at it again. This time, in a deal said to be worth £7.50 and 200 million AMD shares (about £4.50 in total since the release of Intel’s Core 2), AMD is purchasing Australian wobbleboard supremo Rolf Harris.

‘Rolf will bring a fresh new outlook to the company,’ explained AMD’s Gemima Jobshare. ‘His quick-sketching ability will help us get the new K8L design off the drawing board, hopefully before Intel steals back all our customers!’ AMD also hopes that in the interim Harris’s lovable brand of antipodean humour will help deflect attention away from the company’s actual products.

The Harris acquisition by AMD complements the ATi deal perfectly. All three have the same laid-back corporate culture, but bring different strengths to the table. ‘AMD needed help in handling delayed product launches, and ATi is the clear market leader in this respect,’ explained Jobshare. ‘But Rolf’s work on Animal Hospital will also be invaluable as Intel’s Core Microarchitecture makes a monkey of us over the next year.’

At the time of writing, Intel was considering a hostile bid for Harris, and is also rumoured to be in talks with Basil Brush. If that deal becomes a reality, AMD will find it increasingly tough to compete.

GeForce 999s do it by numbers

2006-06-03T19:18:00.000+01:00

Nvidia’s new range of ‘GeForce 999s’ lead the way for graphics card naming strategies, reports Slim Shadermodel

Nvidia has finally announced what could be the death knell for ATi’s Radeon X1000 series. The ‘GeForce 999’ family marks a sea change in Nvidia’s strategy, with a focus on high-performance model names rather than confusing new technology or pointless benchmark speed bumps.

The Nvidia GeForce 7999 SRi will be the flagship. This will be virtually identical to the current 7800GTX 512 card, except with smaller, more conveniently arranged chips. But there will also be a GeForce 7999 GTi, a 7999 FSi, plus the special-edition 7999 XR3i, all of which have individually crafted logos. An RS version will only be available with a blue PCB, whilst the PCB version will be exactly what the name suggests – just the PCB with no chips attached, for card modding enthusiasts. The 7999 PMS will have an innovative ‘emotional instability mode’, also known as ’99 flake’.

Along with the flagship 7999 will be 7499 GTO, VSO, BMA and TFI Friday models aimed more at the mainstream user. The TFI Friday version is specifically designed to reduce 3D performance during weekday office hours, storing it up for extra power on Friday nights and at weekends. The low-end 32MB GeForce 7199, however, will only come in one flavour – the GeForce 7199 PITA with TurboCache. In another move designed to make the cards more attractive to consumers, the model numbers will also represent the base price in US dollars for the cards in question, which will be exactly the same in pounds in the UK.

‘It’s not about the technology or the performance,’ Nvidia’s Admonesta Smote told us. ‘We may not have the fastest cards on the market anymore, but our broad range means that consumers can have a card with exactly the model name and number which appeals to them.’

3DMark06 Benchmarks

Nvidia GeForce 7800GTX 512 – 4542
Nvidia GeForce 7999 SRi - 4542
Nvidia GeForce 7999 GTi - 4542
Nvidia GeForce 7999 FSi - 4542
Nvidia GeForce 7999 XR3i - 4542
Nvidia GeForce 7999 RS - 4542

Serves you right, AMD

2006-05-03T19:11:00.000+01:00

New Intel processor could have a sporting chance against AMD’s finest, reports Veronica Beccabunga

Tired of always losing to AMD, Intel has taken the radical step of consulting tennis star Tim Henman on how to improve its winning streak. The result is McEnroe, a processor which diverges significantly from the current NetBurst architecture. The CPU is already posting benchmarks so far ahead of AMD’s, pundits are saying it could be game, set and match.

Part of the Wimbledon platform, the McEnroe is a radical departure. Instead of Intel’s recent desktop strategy of flogging a dead horse, the McEnroe is based on Nearly New Technology. This combines Pipeline Extension Technology with the Pentium Pro core using the US Open architecture. The latter allows Intel to add or remove pipeline stages according to market pressure.

These aren’t the McEnroe’s only enhancements. Williams Sisters Deuce-Core Technology shares the Level 2 cache as required, whilst BusPass Technology intercepts calls to main memory. The McEnroe will also be the first processor to use the RetroBus, which cycles through classic Intel front side buses of the past until the on-board memory controller is ready.

But AMD is hotly contesting Intel’s test results. ‘Intel cannot be serious! That benchmark was on the line!’ complained AMD’s processing executive Thumbelina Nexgen. AMD will be releasing its own competing range of CPUs, running on its brand new Socket ME2. This flexible approach allows AMD to copy Intel’s memory support dynamically, although it takes about a year to switch over.

The McEnroe is expected to ship in Q1 2007, and will be marketed under the slogan Yesterday’s Technology Tomorrow.

Why sell two graphics cards when you can sell four?

2006-04-03T18:59:00.000+01:00

Moldovan Ripov Electronics takes on Nvidia with quad-graphics monster, reports Ben Chmark

If two heads are better than one, four should be doubly so, maybe even triply. This couldn’t be more true than in the world of super-fast 3D graphics acceleration. If you can’t beat the competition with two GPUs, stick a couple more on – you’re sure to win then. After all, it worked for 3dfx and 3Dlabs.

Little-known Moldovan GPU maker Ripov Electronics has taken this philosophy to heart. The company’s latest Quartet graphics system shoehorns four second-rate GPUs together, in the hope of boosting 3D power to a half-decent level.

‘We took inspiration from Nvidia’s amazing Quad SLI,’ explained Ripov’s founder Andreas Cashin. ‘What we found most inspiring was just how many Quad SLI systems have been sold, considering how much more you pay for little or no extra performance. It’s an outstanding feat of modern technology, and we wanted to emulate that.’

As with Quad SLI, the Quartet’s Open Games Limiter matches equivalent frame rates with conventional dual-graphics SLI or CrossFire, ensuring the Quartet won’t outperform either. A Stability Co-Processor carefully places random crashes at key moments during gameplay for greatest dramatic impact – even with existing titles which don’t have specific quad-GPU support. The Financial Account Reduction Transport connects to your bank and extracts as much money as possible on first bootup. And Quartet is just the beginning. Ripov’s Chorus Architecture allows up to 13 adapters to be run in parallel, for massively increased profits whilst maintaining the same level of performance.

Ripov’s Quartet will be exclusively available from Dell, and most other PC vendors. Prices will vary depending on how gullible the salesperson thinks you are.

Bill goes soft

2006-03-03T18:54:00.000Z

New Microsoft charitable programme aims to bring Windows to those who can’t afford a legitimate copy, reports Sloncek Antipyran

When Bill Gates announced he was relinquishing the Microsoft reins to focus on charity, the world looked on aghast. But in another shock announcement, Gates has pledged to help the poor and unfortunate who find themselves accidentally running a pirate version of Windows.

‘Many people have installed illegal copies of Windows they downloaded from peer-to-peer networks, through no fault of their own,’ Gates told Custom PC. To help these wretched folks, Gates has initiated the Windows Genuine Disadvantage programme. To qualify, you must be assessed as truly needing a legal copy of Windows. This process involves completing the Windows Qualification Management wizard, which Automatic Updates will already have placed on your hard disk whether you like it or not. You will need to prove that your house is either made of paper or beans, that you have no shoes, and a psychiatrist must certify that your use of pirate software is due to genetic insanity.

You will also be expected to list the source of your illicit Microsoft software, and anyone else you think is a bit shifty. After pledging lifetime allegiance to Microsoft, plus the unfaltering support of the next four generations of your family, your body will be injected with a Linux repellent. Then you will receive WHQL certification from the Windows Hardship Qualification Labs, and a new Windows serial number will arrive via the police fraud squad within the next 24 hours.

Intel takes a leap outside

2006-02-03T18:49:00.000Z

New Intel marketing campaign aims to recapture underdog image, reports Anna Vanderpool

The New Year has seen a flurry of marketing activity from Intel. Famous so long for its Intel Inside and Pentium brands, the company has cast its old logos into the annals of history in favour of a raft of new trademarks. But the changes are far from over. From February, Intel has yet more trademark alterations planned.

‘Our brands will be cycling every few months as part of our new Intel Outsider marketing strategy,’ explained Toby Companyline, Intel’s logo dictatorship manager. ‘We’ve realised for a couple of years now that having well-known brands actually has too positive an effect on our sales, which is really bad for our image.’

Intel’s over-arching slogan will therefore change in February from Intel Leap Ahead to Intel Inch Forward and then Intel Reach Around, primarily because 2007 isn’t actually a leap year. The Pentium 4 will become the Intel Core Slomo. Later in 2007, all individual processor lines will be unified under the brand Intel Somewhere Inside, with Home Alone single-core and Two’s Company dual-core flavours. The Centrino will be upgraded to Dollarino, and then Buckarino. Viiv will be replaced by Jiiv, Striiv, and then Iwillsurviiv. The Celeron will become the Chiiv.

In 2008, Intel intends to entirely rebrand itself Mr Chippy, at which time all its processors will adopt fried fish-related nomenclature, such as Cod and Haddock. The premium seafood Salmon will represent dual-core ranges, with the diminutive Sardine for mobile parts. All processor models will use the number 7 because ‘it’s lucky’.

‘With regular brand changes, we’ll stay way ahead of the competition,’ explained Companyline. ‘They’ll never be able to keep up with our marketing innovation.’

Amstrad enters graphics card business

2006-01-03T18:42:00.000Z

New MegaBrass™ GPU could be ‘7800GTX killer’, reports Alain Sucre

Stocks in both ATi and Nvidia fell dramatically today at the announcement that British company Amstrad was entering the graphics card business. Developed secretly at Tottenham Hotspur football club, the new Amstrad MegaBrass™ GPU takes an unusual approach. With just one pixel pipeline and half a vertex shader, the MegaBrass™ is hardly state of the art for graphics processors. But it’s designed to run at clock speeds in excess of 15GHz, which should make up the difference.

‘This is going to be even bigger than the e-m@iler™’, Amstrad head honcho Alan Sugar told us. ‘The MegaBrass™ will be the first GPU to accelerate S&M 4.0 natively. It will also support HDR, sRGB, S3TC, HDTV, RNIB, BSE and CJD. With one billion-bit floating point precision across the entire rendering pipeline, image quality will be unbeatable.’ The high visual quality is being marketed under the branding MegaBrasso ImagePolish™.

The MegaBrass™ will be available in two versions – the DSS22 and DSS28.1. A specially pre-overclocked Brown Sample version of the latter is also expected. Best of all, a multi-GPU architecture will allow up to 11 cards to be run in parallel. This looks like the most flexible implementation yet, with the user able to run cards in parallel across PCI Express, AGP, PCI and even ISA if available, although no ANR version has yet been announced.

‘What with S3 launching its ChromeS20 series and now Amstrad entering the fray, times are looking bleak for the incumbents’, ATi’s Public Relations Enforcer Andrew Banana told us. Nvidia’s Public Relations Dandy Adrian Stoat concurred: ‘We’re all doomed. The party’s over.’

Benchmarks – FEAR, 1,600 x 1,200 4x 8x, soft shadows

Nvidia GeForce 7800GTX – 1fps
ATi Radeon X1800XT – 1.2fps
Amstrad MegaBrass™ Brown Sample – 4fps
11 x MegaBrassTR Brown Sample – 458fps

All tests run on an Amstrad PCW8256; 3.4MHz Z80, 256KB of RAM

That’ll do nicely

2005-12-03T16:25:00.000Z

PCI Express to be phased out in favour of new interface, reports Esmeralda Frontside-Bus

Just when we’d resigned ourselves to the inevitable phasing out of AGP, it looks like PCI Express is soon to go the same way. Both ATi and Nvidia will be releasing their next-generation products on the new PCI American Express bus. A development of PCI Express 16x, the new interface will have one extra lane for increased performance.

‘PCI Express was already starting to show its restrictions, particularly in SLI,’ Nvidia’s spokesperson Adamant Stoat told us. ‘The extra lane in the 17x PCI American Express bus will enable unparalleled levels of profit, sorry, I mean performance for the next generation of graphics cards.’

Despite its obvious benefits, PCI American Express has one major downside – it will not be backwards compatible with its predecessor. This will mean that end users will be forced to upgrade their motherboards to take advantage of graphics cards using the new interface. Support is due in the forthcoming Nvidia NForcedUpgrade 6 and ATi CopycatFire 2000 core logic, which will also incorporate the groundbreaking Pointless Peripheral Bus. This new interface has been specifically designed to remain unused for years to come, placing it in direct competition with PCI Express 1x.

‘Now that we’ve successfully moved everyone over to PCI Express, it makes a lot more financial sense to introduce a new bus and only launch our best graphics cards on it,’ explained ATi’s PR Mythologist Andreas Bulimia. ‘This maximises the user experience for optimum quality, or something. Does it matter?’

PCI American Express is due to hit the market in late 2006, or just when everyone has upgraded to PCI Express.

Retromark aims to eat the pie

2005-11-03T16:18:00.000Z

Is Futuremark’s future in the past, as a new graphics benchmark gains popularity? Reports Polly Gunnell

For many years, Futuremark has dominated the graphics benchmarking world. But its leadership could soon be under threat. A new testing suite is gaining interest in the gaming world – a test with a difference. Canadian company Retromark’s latest 3DMerkin07 benchmark is based on the premise that existing benchmarks are unfair on older hardware.

Retromark 3DMerkin07 is an entirely synthetic benchmark based on a custom-coded ShaderModel 3 version of the Namco Pac-Man engine, to increase backwards compatibility with Atari 2600 systems. It downplays the importance of CPU and graphics power. Instead, a questionnaire tests the user’s knowledge of 1980s video games and the TV series Knight Rider.

‘Unlike competitive benchmarks we could mention, it’s not just the size of the score but the quality of the numbers involved,’ explained Retromark’s Vlad Onion. ‘With 3DMerkin07, you want to get as many “Lucky Sevens” as possible. Any system managing to get more than three sevens wins a prize of a slap-up pizza evening out with Jonathan Wendel. Two or more sevens and a pair of fives is also a great score. But anything under 50 and you win a Hexus.net thong.’

Retromark, formerly called CrazyChive, has worked hard to ensure any hardware configuration can get a good score, with a bit of luck. ‘Who cares about real game performance anyway?’ Onion told us. ‘It’s how you do in benchmarks that counts – and 3DMerkin07 gives everyone a fighting chance to win!’

3DMerkin07 Benchmarks

ATi Radeon X300 SE - 1
Nvidia GeForce 7800GTX 512 – 77432988899
ATi Radeon X1900XTX – 7789955885
Nvidia GeForce 7800GTX 512 SLI – 55
ATi Radeon X1900XT CrossFire - 777771

Headshot!

2005-10-03T16:13:00.000+01:00

New gaming intelligence coprocessor promises smarter opponents, reports Django Stalin

Ever found yourself mocking the limited strategy of a gaming bot? Or laughing out loud when your computer opponent’s RTS army gets stuck behind a rock as you pick them off from a comfortable distance? Well, those days could be over with the new WendelBrain Gaming Intelligence processor from Israel’s Agaya Perspective International.

Agaya is breeding its own Fatal1ty strain of chimpanzees for the WendelBrain

‘We created the WendelBrain by culling cells from network gaming legend Jonathan Wendel’s neocortex and crossing them with a chimpanzee,’ Agaya’s Arthur Netenyahoo told us. ‘Most of the intelligence comes from the chimpanzee, but it means we can use Fatal1ty branding on the box!’

The WendelBrain incorporates a complex dual-core BioDSP chip architecture, which must be kept at a constant 37C via a reverse phase-change warming system, although a nearby Pentium 4 can perform this task as well. It also requires regular infusions of liquefied Pizza Hut Thin ‘N Crispy and Red Bull. ‘You need to keep the WendelBrain above minimum nutritional levels for optimal strategic processing,’ Netenyahoo told us. ‘It can forget to feed itself during particularly intensive gaming sessions, so you need to give it a constant supply of convenient junk food and caffeinated beverages.’ The WendelBrain is so focused on gaming that it has difficulty forming relationships with other components in a PC. Because of this, it currently has a bug where it will attempt to load a game whenever your PC is booted. Agaya is planning to combat this problem using a parental control system.

Agaya’s first WendelBrain, the Fatal1ty Headshot GXP, will be available at an RRP of £385 from http://www.overclockers.co.uk/ and most local pet shops.

Microsoft unleashes timebomb

2005-09-03T16:05:00.000+01:00

Windows Vista will punish evil, reports Kernel Sanders

Microsoft was busy trying to shore up a PR disaster today as unofficial reports came in that the forthcoming Windows Vista ‘might make PCs explode’. According to Linux website http://www.bushybeards.org/, a new ‘morality engine’ will constantly monitor your computer usage. If it detects unencrypted media files, images with ‘too much flesh visible’ or Open Source code, it could set off a chain reaction between your graphics card and processor. A rapid increase in temperature will spontaneously enrich uranium and instigate a minor nuclear disaster inside your computer.

In tandem with a webcam, Windows Vista will also be able to search your room for pirated CDs, DVDs, pornography and versions of Linux. Bushybeards reports that the final shipping version of Vista will incorporate ‘X-ray Visualisation Technology’ (XVT), capable of even detecting morality infringements through solid objects. This will allow Microsoft to check up on your neighbours as well as, and increase the explosive yield accordingly. However, XVT won't arrive until the first Windows Vista service pack.

Commenting on the allegations, Microsoft Windows Platform Monopolist Pauline Brundle told us ‘Isn’t this just what you deserve if you’re illegally sharing copyright material or using Linux? You’re just a thief. All PC users are by nature evil, and what’s needed is an operating system which treats you like the freeloading scum you all are. Windows Vista is that operating system.’

An early example of the effect the morality engine can have on those not using a Microsoft Secure Web Browser can be found at http://www.absurd.org/((((((/coremelt/index.html (Mozilla Firefox required).

Intel spilled my pint

2005-08-03T15:59:00.000+01:00

AMD files third lawsuit against Intel, reports Stanislav Blingstein

The computing world was reeling today after AMD announced yet another lawsuit against Intel. The third suit, filed in Latvia, is the most damning yet. In a 939-page document, written in an entertaining style by chat-show host Terry Wogan, AMD alleges numerous new unfair business practices. Most incendiary amongst these is the charge that Intel is getting unfair technological help from an alien master race, the Moorons. ‘Remember those guys in spacesuits in the Pentium 4 advertisements? They’re all Moorons,’ AMD’s chief stylist Mother Teresa Swimmer told us.

AMD alleges Intel has been getting an unfair business advantage from a partnership with extraterrestrials

AMD also alleges that Intel processors attract purchasers of new computers using ‘smoking SIMD extensions’ and a ‘20-stage crack pipeline’. ‘The high frequencies set up interference in Alpha brainwaves, causing customers of Dixons and other high-street shops to draw closer to sources of heat such as Prescott-core CPUs’, an AMD technical marketing specialist told us.

The lawsuit also contains a legion of lesser accusations: ‘High-ranking Intel executives regularly steal from our portions of chips in MacDonalds,’ said AMD’s Productive European Manager David Never-it. ‘I’ve even had my pint jogged down the pub and had aspersions cast on its manliness. And once or twice a week, I hear a knock on the door, and when I open it there’s nobody there. I just see mysterious blue-painted individuals running away down the street,’ he lamented.

The AMD case is expected to be presented to the Latvian Superb Court for trial by a trio of lamas two weeks on Tuesday.

Barbie does Washington

2005-07-03T15:47:00.000+01:00

‘Sexually explicit’ children’s game sparks new US political pressure, reports Jenna Jameson

The entertainment industry was in turmoil again today, as yet another game franchise came under the scrutiny of the US legislature. Vivendi’s latest Barbie title Pony Girl for PC, Xbox and GBA ‘contains nekkid pictures’, alleges Senator Albert Bonehead of Alabama.

‘Ah chekked mah ‘puter after mah liddle gal had bin a-playin’ an’ it was full of pronography’, the senator complained, in a controversy now being called ‘Iced Frappuccino’. ‘It weren’t all mine, neither. Must have come from that dratted Barbie game. No doubt ‘bout it.’

Numerous gaming favourites are now facing the evil eye of right-thinking American politicians. Pac Man is being pulled from shelves for its ‘pill popping drugs connotations’ and ‘lewd cherry metaphors representing the deflowering of virgins’, a senatorial representative told us. Pong’s ‘association with the anus’ means it is also under threat, as is Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. Even Scrabble 2003 will be recalled because of the ‘distinct possibility of producing rude words’.

However, in a more positive development, the US House of Representatives is currently considering a new bill to make violence in PC games mandatory. ‘It’s the American way,’ explained Senator Hillarie Gunclub. ‘Sex is the work of the devil. But shooting people and cutting them up with knives is a natural part of American life, and our computer games should reflect this.’

Parallel graphics mystery revealed

2005-06-03T15:40:00.000+01:00

Nvidia SLI ‘based on ancient Egyptian technology’, reports Frodo Abramovich

The hardware enthusiast industry was in shock today as it learned that Nvidia’s SLI might not be as cutting edge as first claimed. Although Nvidia has clearly differentiated its SLI technology from the 3dfx version by using a lowercase ‘i’ in the logo, its true origin could be much older than originally thought. In fact, SLI could predate 3dfx by thousands of years, according to secret documents revealed today.

Ancient camel-dung tablets have been discovered which clearly show two Egyptian scribes writing hieroglyphics onto stone tablets in parallel, doubling the performance. Although this process of ‘Slave-Linked Inscription’ was commonplace in 2,000BC, the technology was thought to have been lost during the reign of the androgynous Pharoah Akhenaton. But it is now believed that the ‘Secret of SLI’ was jealously kept through the ages by an arcane holy order by the name of The Priory of Psion. Related to the Knights Tempura, a deep-fried vegetarian wing of the Japanese Cathode Church, The Priory eventually founded 3dfx to harness the power of the mystic technologies it possessed.

‘Nvidia’s SLI is grounded in very old, essentially primeval knowledge,’ argued Nvidia spokesperson Adrian Float. ‘Dualism has reigned supreme throughout history – good and evil, yin and yang, Cannon and Ball. Twin Nvidia graphics cards not only continue that tradition, but improve on it twofold!’

God chooses ATi

2005-05-03T15:23:00.000+01:00

Canadian technology becomes official multi-GPU solution for the Catholic Church, reports Roberto Calvi

In a major snub to Nvidia, the Vatican announced today that it would be adopting ATi’s CrossFire rather than Nvidia’s SLI as its official multi-graphics technology. It is thought that a number of influential cardinals had purchased single GeForce 6800 Ultras and SLI motherboards, but were now angry that the discontinuation of the Ultra card would seriously restrict their upgrade options.

Splinter Sect Heresy Theory is a favourite 3D shooter amongst Catholic priests

‘The power of the Holy CrossFire is unparalleled,’ intoned Pope Benedict XVI in a special commemorative mass in the Sistine Chapel. ‘Only dual-Radeon X800 series can 3D graphically render unto God what is rightfully His,’ he added. It also believed that the ‘Shader Model Trinity’ is considered heresy amongst orthodox Christian zealots, and is secretly known as ‘The Satan Model’.

ATi’s historical link with divinity is a matter of public record. That anyone managed to purchase the original X800 XT PE was nothing short of a miracle, and getting a new release of Catalyst Control Center drivers to install correctly is very much a matter of faith. The All-in-Wonder range is also thought to have received its name from the holy awe the products allegedly inspire in their users, according to marketing literature.

‘With the Almighty fighting our corner, we cannot fail in our battle against the deadly sin of Nvidia’, argued ATi’s technical marketing specialist, Bishop Andrew Banana. ‘Only God can save us from Nvidia’s GeForce 7800 GTX. Fortunately, he’s now officially on our side!’

Splinter Sect Heresy Theory Benchmarks
1,600 x 1,200, 4x antidisestablishmentarianism, 8x blasphemy filtering

2 x ATi Radeon X850 XT Platitude Edition: 83.3
2 x Nvidia GeForce 6800 Ultra with Satan Model 3: 66.6

Core blimey

2005-04-03T14:50:00.000+01:00

Three is the magic number with the latest in Serbian processor technology, reports Stanislav Blingstein

Every so often, the tit-for-tat war between Intel and AMD is broken by a courageous release from a little-known startup. But few newcomers have been as radical as the forthcoming triple-core processor from Serbian Laibach Technology. The Laibach Scaramanga™ CPU is an x86-compatible design based on the company’s Sell™ processor technology. The Sell™ was the surprise hit of 2004 amongst Latvian gamers. With a modular hyper-pipelined marketing strategy and 14 megabytes of Level 4 cash, the Sell™ found huge appeal for those hardware enthusiasts who had no interest in actual performance.

The Scaramanga™ integrates a trio of Laibach Sell™ processors into one ceramic package, each with its own five-way 69-bit encryption co-processing super-pipeline. Unlike AMD’s and Intel’s dual-core releases, the Scaramanga™ uses patented PartyWall™ technology to make three 1.02GHz processors or a single virtual 3.03GHz 64-bit CPU operating the PMS64™ instruction set. PMS64™ is a hybrid of AMD64, EM64T and Debian Linux and is backwards compatible with Windows 3.11. The user can choose single or triple-processing mode on the fly with a big red knob on the front of the PC.

Early benchmarks are encouraging, with the Laibach Scaramanga™ beating IDT’s Winchip in single-CPU mode, and exhibiting noticeably better performance than three Motorola DragonBalls put together in triple mode. Manufactured locally in Serbia at Laibach’s pottery fab in Belgrade, the Scaramanga™ will be available in Q7 2009 from selected Q8 petrol stations and from all Argos outlets.

piFast benchmarks

IDT WinChip 205MHz (Windows 3.11) – 1,047 seconds
Laibach Scaramanga™ 3.03GHz (Windows XP 64-bit) – 999 seconds

3 x Palm Vx with 20MHz Motorola DragonBall (PalmOS 3.1) – 5,543 seconds
Laibach Scaramanga™ 3 x 1.02GHz (Debutante Linux) – 4,837 seconds

Rover’s return

2005-03-03T14:28:00.000Z

Inside report from the Slovenian hardware community by Modmeister Matteus

When Janez Drnovsek’s beloved dog Poochie died of canine syphilis, he was devastated. That was, until the Ljubljana-based hardware enthusiast came up with an idea: why not transform his faithful companion into a unique small form factor PC? That way Poochie could be by his side once more, as he indulged his favourite hobby of collecting bovine pornography via the Internet.

Many hours with the dremel later, he’d modded Poochie into an ergonomic Mini-ITX platform, into which he built an EPIA MII 12000 mainboard. But even the EPIA was too noisy for Drnovsek, so he added Zalmann’s excellent Reserator 1 water cooling. Using ClockGen, Drnovsek managed to overclock his Poochie EPIA system from 1.2GHz to 1.204GHz, which gave a 0.3 per cent performance improvement overall in 3D benchmarks.

‘Poochie was a good dog, and my only real friend’, Drnovsek told Tehwinquirer.net. ‘But now he’s a kick-arse gaming system, which is even better!’ After the success of his Poochie mod, Drnovsek is looking forward to when his pet goat Ethel meets her demise. ‘She’ll be perfect for my new Pentium M project’, he commented.

Poochie Mini-ITX System
3DMark03: 72 (72.2 overclocked)
3DMark05: 9 (9.03 overclocked)