Microsoft unleashes timebomb

Windows Vista will punish evil, reports Kernel Sanders

Microsoft was busy trying to shore up a PR disaster today as unofficial reports came in that the forthcoming Windows Vista ‘might make PCs explode’. According to Linux website http://www.bushybeards.org/, a new ‘morality engine’ will constantly monitor your computer usage. If it detects unencrypted media files, images with ‘too much flesh visible’ or Open Source code, it could set off a chain reaction between your graphics card and processor. A rapid increase in temperature will spontaneously enrich uranium and instigate a minor nuclear disaster inside your computer.

In tandem with a webcam, Windows Vista will also be able to search your room for pirated CDs, DVDs, pornography and versions of Linux. Bushybeards reports that the final shipping version of Vista will incorporate ‘X-ray Visualisation Technology’ (XVT), capable of even detecting morality infringements through solid objects. This will allow Microsoft to check up on your neighbours as well as, and increase the explosive yield accordingly. However, XVT won't arrive until the first Windows Vista service pack.

Commenting on the allegations, Microsoft Windows Platform Monopolist Pauline Brundle told us ‘Isn’t this just what you deserve if you’re illegally sharing copyright material or using Linux? You’re just a thief. All PC users are by nature evil, and what’s needed is an operating system which treats you like the freeloading scum you all are. Windows Vista is that operating system.’

An early example of the effect the morality engine can have on those not using a Microsoft Secure Web Browser can be found at http://www.absurd.org/((((((/coremelt/index.html (Mozilla Firefox required).